During the storm…
Recently, I had one of my occipital migraine headaches, BUT, I had a new perspective on this monster! I was optimistic because I had finally been able to see a headache specialist, someone that I felt God had led me too. I was finally going to be able to “manage” this beast.
You see, these headaches started a few years ago, I would get one or two a year. The headache itself would be in the back of my head and the occipital nerve would “fire”. The pain was like being poked with a cattle prodder. You know, it’s like an electrical shock to get the cow to move in a certain direction.
The only relief I would find was to lay flat on my back with a heating pad on my neck and head. For days and days and days and days. The last one in the fall of 2023 lasted 18 days!
If you know me, that’s debilitating. TO BE DOWN 18 DAYS! Are you kidding me?!?!
Then I found this physician and she had all kinds of treatment in her satchel. I had to wait four months for my appointment and then a week after I met with her, the beast came knocking. First, the pain in my shoulder, then in my neck, then in the back of my head, and then that nerve.
This was my first time trying to manage it with her arsenal and I failed, so I thought. By day three I was in excruciating pain, unmanageable. I called the doctor, she was out for spring break and there was no one else that could administer the next step, a nerve block injection. Oh! My! Word! I flipped out, yep total melt down. Tears, sobbing, out of control. Because, you see, I thought we had a plan and now we didn’t, and I knew what was about to happen. I was down for the count and the enemy had won. Again. And where was God?
I cried out, “Hey God!” Nothing. “Heyyyyyyyy GOD!” Nothing. “Ok, even thought I don’t see you, feel you, can you just heal me of this headache? I mean, you healed me of cancer, this should be easy.” Nothing.
I suffered through another five days until I could get in to see the doctor and get the injection. Instant relief, of course, because my shoulder, neck, and head were completely numb. The relief was so amazing. And then she walked me through the meds she had given me. If I am honest, I did not administer them exactly as I needed to, but it was all new and I was in a panic. The nerve block lasted about two full days. When the pain returned it wasn’t as bad and I could manage to be somewhat productive, but man it was hard.
On day 16, I was questioning everything. I was in a very dark place, asking God “where are you in all of this?”. I told Him that I was tired of learning lessons in these headache seasons. Pick another season! And I was very serious.
Have you ever been there? Just tired. Exhausted. You don’t want to even deal.
(cue the altar music)
But, as a child of God, I knew different, and I had to make myself start looking for answers. I got up, took a shower, and as I sat down to get ready for the day, I turned on a podcast. “My Joy is My Job” by Steven Furtick. (funny, ha ha)
But seriously, hear me out.
Paul and Silas are put in a prison cell, together. Key word, together. They had a partner. Some time during the night, they began to sing hymns. They began to praise God. Their chains fell off, when the gate flew open, the guard was awakened in fear because he knew that if he failed, he was dead. Then Paul yelled at him and said don’t do it! We are still here! And then the guard entered the cell and wanted what they had, salvation.
The point of the message: Paul and Silas did not run out of the prison when their chains fell off, they invited God into their storm.
So, during my headache storm, I invited God in. I started singing old hymns. First up, Blessed Assurance…….this is my story, this is my song, praising my savior all the day long, this is my story, this is my song, praising my savior all the day long.
I started to get my mojo back. I started putting my armor back on. Because in that moment, I felt God.
Day 17, I need to revamp my workout playlist. (yes, I started walking again because I felt like it and I needed it!) During my morning walk is when I play my “battle songs” and prepare for my day. And something else Pastor Furtick said during that podcast, “the bigger your purpose grows, the harder the enemy strikes.” I have felt this.
Through my nonprofit we serve a lot of people with cancer. Working with people who have cancer can be heavy. Most of the time, we celebrate, but sometimes we don’t. Sometimes, it is hard, but we still encourage them even when the outcome looks bleak. Sometimes, we lose a person to cancer. All of it can be mentally and emotionally taxing.
And during this storm, I was ready to throw in the towel and be done. The stress of running a small business and nonprofit can be a lot, sometimes. And coupled with these beastly headaches, well it was too much. Not to mention all the other stuff in my life, like my family, managing a household, bills, etc.
The first three songs that played on Day 17 of the beast:
Unrivaled by LYA & Leeland
Look Up Child by Lauren Dagle
Same God by Elevation Worship
The lyrics in all these songs reminded me that God never left me. I just needed to look up.
Revelation: The enemy is trying to take me out, physically, so that I can no longer fulfill my purpose. He can’t take me out spiritually and he knows it. Through cancer, diverticulitis, and now these headaches, he is trying to stop me. Stop God. But God always wins! And so will I as long as I keep looking UP.
Look up child. Go find those lyrics. Say them out loud. Be refreshed. Armor up. Because this is a fight until God says it is finished.
Your Breast Friend,
Edie A. Tolbert
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