A New Perspective on Caregiving
Almost three weeks ago, my husband had knee replacement surgery.
We planned the date for the surgery and my main objective was to prep my business and nonprofit so that I would be available to take care of him at home during his recovery. He would have a 3-week recovery period. No driving. Using a walker, then a cane, and ultimately walking on his own.
His surgery went so well, but the first day home was a disaster. He had to sleep on his back with his leg propped up and I slept on the couch. Neither of us slept much and we were trying to get a rhythm for this temporary situation we were in. He could not walk without me being by his side in case he stumbled or started to fall. But….I was ready! Or so I thought.
The second night was better, and we slept during the day to catch up on the sleep we did not get at night. It was like being on a mom and newborn, sleep when they sleep! By the third day, we had a rhythm. We were kicking it!
He had surgery on a Tuesday, and he had a host of meds that I would be responsible to give him at the proper time and amount. A pill for pain, a pill for nerve pain, a pill for inflammation, a pill for possible infection, a baby aspirin, and his regular blood pressure and cholesterol med. I had them lined up on the counter with post-it notes so I wouldn’t screw it up! Morning only, morning and night, two a day, three a day, once a day, night only. It. Was. Stressful. We had a home health nurse and a physical therapist coming to the house to document Ron’s progress.
Then on Sunday, he woke up with lower abdominal pain. I called the nurse and she said with all the meds, they may be the culprit but there was no way to determine which one. So, we stopped the two pain meds and the inflammation. Then we waited to see if the pain would subside and if not, a trip to the ER would be necessary. He did not want to go to the ER! We waited. We waited about 12 hours and later that evening he was better. Thankfully and ER trip avoided.
Then on day 10, I got an occipital migraine headache. I have had them before, and they literally put me on my back for days. Severe pain in my neck with spasms shooting up my neck to the back of head and on top of my head. It feels like an electric shock. Off to the chiropractor I went. I was better and able to manage the pain with a heating pad and Advil Migraine medication. Four days in, it went from bad to worst. Because I know my chiropractor personally, I called him at home. The pain was so bad it was either go to his house or the ER. Nothing was helping. Heat, ice, Advil, nothing. He told me to come to his house and he would adjust me. Crack, pop, crack, pop, pop, pop! He said, “Wow!” I had immediate relief! After a full eight days with five days of chiropractic adjustments, heat and ice treatments, I finally felt like we have turned a corner!
I felt so bad because it limited my ability to care for Ron. I pushed through, he pushed himself too and together we made it.
As a caregiver, I had many realizations. Cooking three meals a day (he cooks his own breakfast at 5am!), doing the dishes (I cook, he does the dishes), the laundry for both of us (yes, he does his own laundry), administering meds, helping him in and out of the shower, helping him get dress, setting up the knee bending machine, setting up the automatic ice pack, helping him with daily exercises, not having time to clean my house or be able to do minimal work from home was so stressful. The headache threw a huge monkey wrench into the equation as well.
I had plenty of time to reflect. To think about those who are diagnosed with cancer and their caregivers. How you are thrown into the ocean, you are treading water to try and keep your head above the huge waves splashing you in the face. I was reminded that as a caregiver, all the responsibilities your partner has now becomes yours along with all your responsibilities. It is so much!
My caregiving experience will end in a couple of days, but with someone who has cancer, the journey will be months, years and possibly a lifetime.
We had some folks who reached out and provided a meal and let me tell you it was so welcomed and appreciated! I have told so many cancer patients to take advantage of others who want to bless you and now, I will be preaching it from the rooftops!
Self-care is so important for caregivers. Prior to Ron’s surgery, I skipped my monthly massage and cancelled a couple of my chiropractic appointments. Why? I was busy trying to get so many things done for my business and nonprofit. My monthly massage and my weekly adjustments at the chiropractor, keep me well. It is my self-care and I neglected myself and I paid the price.
Caregivers, take care of yourself or you won’t be able to take care of your loved ones. It is important that you rest, your nutrition is important, and movement. These three things are as important as your ability to care for your loved one.
Friends, if you know someone who is a caregiver, reach out. Find out what you can do to relieve some of their stress. Provide a meal, clean their bathrooms, do a grocery pick up, do a school pick up, shuttle their kids to activities, sit with their loved one and send them to the spa for a massage, there is something you can do. So, just do it!
I hope my experience as a caregiver speaks to you and you will be able to take care of yourself or someone you know that is a caregiver.
Your Breast Friend,
Edie A. Tolbert
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